Bella's Guide to TFF
by ForkIt
Summary: Bella offers suggestions for fanfic writers and readers alike. Snark warning. If you're hyper-sensitive, don't bother reading. It's meant to be fun. M for language. Bella has a potty mouth, sadly.


**A/N - This is a total parody, not to be taken seriously in any way. I'm a fan of fanfic; reading, not writing. I'm guilty of a few things below, myself. I read tons, and review only when I feel like it. I don't even sign in to read most of the time. I'm a bad ffneter. But I did have fun writing Bella's Guide, from her own POV. Hope it gets some lol's. :)**

**Disclaimer - Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all associated with it.**

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My name is Bella, and I'm an avid fanfic reader. I can't write worth shit, so I leave that up to all of you. Thanks for the lulz, swoons, and heartaches. While I can't write worth shit (like I said), I do have some suggestions for those of you who do put yourselves out there for others' enjoyment. And some advice for those, like me, who can't write worth shit but can certainly tell other people what they're doing wrong. Please read and review. LOL!

Bella's Guide to Writing TFF (Twilight Fan Fiction)

Character Guideline

Edward and I are the only acceptable couple as main characters. You may write about the secondary characters, by all means. Just don't expect your review count to reach epic proportions. (For a multi-chaptered, well-written story with a valid plot, think 100, max)

Edward and I must only be with each other. For God's sake, don't have Edward actually love another woman (or - *gasp* - a man!) And if I'm not a virgin when I get with The Precious, we must never go into detail about me enjoying relations with anyone but The Precious.

Edward is right. Always. He's a creepy stalker for a reason. He can be a complete freak in the bedroom, or control his ladylove's every move and even thought—but he is never wrong. Got it?

I am gorgeous and perfect, even in my awkwardness or bitchiness. Always. No matter what I may blurt, it must always be endearing and not randomly insulting to Edward. Every God-like guy loves total imperfection as long as she's got a sweet ass and a great rack, right?

Secondaries (Mine and Edward's BFFs and/or siblings) must be canon couples. Human or vampire, it really doesn't matter as long as Alice never takes a ride on the Em train, and Jasper never gets his freak on with Rosalie or Jake, the wolf pack in general, or a combination thereof.

ANY variation of Edward and me are completely acceptable and lovable – teacher, doctor, cop, single parent, mass murderer, skank, abuser, abused, corporate asswipe, call girl… you get the picture. Note—any pairing is cool, as well: priest and parishioner, teacher and student, adopted brother and sister—as long as they are me and Edward.

Plot Guideline

Lemons? Plot unnecessary.

Edward or I must be mortally damaged in some way, even if we are not immortals. A juicy lemon will make it all better. Trust.

If you can't come up with a unique storyline for us, borrow someone else's and add your own lemons! It's different, right?

Edward and I must do the deed within the first three chapters. Preferably before that. Who needs a long, drawn-out plot when we all know I'm going to have multiple orgasms every time with The Precious? Just get on with it.

O's—yeah, lots of them. Edward doesn't even have to touch me, and my vajayjay goes into overdrive. I would prefer it if he did, of course… who wouldn't? Sweet nothin's are not necessary as long as there are call-backs.

Author's Guideline

Don't bother thinking through your story before you put it out there for everyone to read. Plots, character traits, climax and resolve… does it matter? Lemons come first.

Why stress over details? No one pays attention to the points mentioned above anyway. Just write, and don't bother with a beta reader, or a friend to pre-read and point out glaring errors. Details, schmetails.

Never pre-write your story, and tell it as you want to. Let reviewers guide you (and kidnap your plot, turning it into something you never, ever envisioned it being when it was just a plotbunny in your mind). It's more fun that way, and extremely satisfying!

If there are no lemons at all, just don't bother.

Please don't take anything personally. Reviewers are your friends. Your mentors. Your inspiration for writing in the first place, right? And they are always right.

If nothing else, please put me in a situation (in the first chapter, if at all possible) where I get trapped somewhere with Edward, and I hate it—hate him—but let him screw me silly against a wall anyway. I just lurve that, and so do reviewers!

Don't write me into a story just for the hell of it! This is not a hobby—take this seriously!

Don't expect BNA-type review count if you don't write a lemon in at least every second chapter. They don't even have to be good, or original, as long as it's descriptive and HOT! Mmmm!

When you've had enough of the reviewers' love, or been called on plagiarism, or been offered to publish 'cause your story is, like, really unique and awesome (insert squeee), pull your fic and immediately alter your bio to depict how put-off you are by the fandom. And then write another lemon to make yourself feel better.

Reviewer's Guideline

Skim or read, move on to the next chapter, and then story. Why bother reviewing? The authors pump this shit out faster than you can read it anyway! It's not a big deal.

Authors have no feelings. Like, none. Say whatever you want!

BNA are attention-seeking lemon-whores who can't breathe without a review count more than 10K. Oh, and they beg to be mistreated even if they haven't wanked. Trust me, I know. Eventually, they will wank, and you'll feel justified in having told them they suck first.

If a story isn't penned by a BNA, and doesn't reach… oh, let's go with a nice round number like, 3K… reviews are not necessary. Nobody's reading the damned thing anyway, why bother?

Make it your personal challenge to tell an author how his or her story should proceed. They're writing for you, after all, not themselves. Ever.

Thank you for reading my guideline to Twilight Fan Fiction. It means so much to me that you take such a massive interest in my sex life… er, I mean, my average girl's struggles through finding happiness with my ultimate man, Edward. Please keep the above in mind when writing about my adoration of his emerald eyes, sultry gaze, sexy crooked grin, chiselled abs, and massive (and I do mean, like, horse-sized) cock. I truly enjoy reading about him sodomizing me in all sorts of fun situations. It makes my life… less boring!

Reading about myself is my hobby, so thank you for feeding it daily. Honestly, I read each and every story posted about myself, but I suck at reviews, so… yeah. Can't wait for the next one!

I'd like to offer up a teaser for my next chapter, but like I said, I can't write worth shit so there won't be one. Please review anyway! And thanks. I heart you all, so much! - BS


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